Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.

They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,

“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,

“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”

The farmer is amazed.

“Exactly right”, he says. “How did you work that out so fast?”

“Easy,” says the accountant

“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewlery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said

‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Little Johnny was having problems in English class,

so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.

She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:

When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.

“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.

“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.”

She said. “what is it with your grammar?”

“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.

“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”

Two men were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.

They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:

“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining:

“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said:

“Small world.”

It’s a small town and not much happens most days,

so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story.

But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs.

He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it out.

The reporter pulls up and finds the farmer working on the fence, so he strolls over and says,

“I understand you had a little accident the other day and lost some livestock, is that right?”

The farmer, who seems reluctant to talk, just nods.

“We heard it was 2,003 pigs. Is that right?”

The farmer frowns a bit and nods again.

“That seems incredible. Are you really sure it was 2,003 pigs?”

The farmer starts to look really upset but again just nods his head.

“Well, my editor wanted me to check it out because 2,003 pigs just seem like a lot and…”

At this point, the farmer, now red-faced and steaming, shouts,

“Yeth, yeth! Two thows and three pigth! Now leave me alone!”