Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Jim, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,

“We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Jim frowned,

“I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond.”

Holding the bucket up Jim said,

“I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast.

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says.

“My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle.

“I’m not allowed on the couch.”

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice:

“Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say:

“It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the check out the little horror is throwing items out of the buggy.

Grandpa says again in a controlled voice:

“William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says:

“It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it.

That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” says the grandpa.

“But I am William. The little boy’s name is Kevin.”

There was a group of elderly women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The old women were asked,

‘How many of you love your husbands?’

All the old women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don’t understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!
5. ????
6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore.!
Last one is ultimate
10. Who is this?

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

Because he also told me he was an atheist.

“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replied,

“Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”