Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

“Fishing,” replied the old man.

Poor old fool,” thought the gentleman.

So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

“And how many have you caught?”

You’re the eighth.”

An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.

He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.

He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.

The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.

He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries

“MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat–
all die and go to heaven.

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says

“The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?”

The golden retriever says

“I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owner’s family for many years.”

God smiles. “Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand.”

He then turns to the parakeet. “What do you believe in?”

“I believe in colour, flamboyance, and music,” the parakeet says.

“For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner’s house with a song.”

“Your beauty is truly magnificent,” God says.

“And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left.”

God finally turns to the house cat.

“And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?”

The cat lazily surveys God’s throne and says,

“I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

This is something that happened in an old peoples home.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central dining room.

One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so another guy’s wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.

She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn’t arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.

He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time.

He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.

So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman.

The prosecutor started by asking her,

“Do you know who I am?”

The old woman replied.

“Yes, you’re John Kim, and I must say I’m very disappointed in you. You’re greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you’ve been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are.”

The prosecutor was stunned, but tried to carry on with the proceedings.

He pointed at the defense lawyer and said,

“Do you know who he is?”

“Yes, he is Kenneth Skye. And I must say is that I’m very disappointed in him too. He is constantly drunk, gambles all the time, and is one of the worst lawyers around! Of course I know who he is.”

The Judge immediately called the prosecution and defense to approach the bench.

Once they were close enough, the Judge scowled at the pair and said.

“Don’t you *dare* ask her if she knows me.”