Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.

“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.

I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.

They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.

I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’

Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian.

“Try these on,” she said.

Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.

“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian.

“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.

I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!

You’ve been playing golf!”

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, “Who are you?” The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”

Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”

The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”

The surprised genie said, “You sure?

Most people wish for money, but okay.

Now your wife gets one wish.”

Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”

The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”

Dylan said, “No way!”

The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”

Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”

Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.

Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild s3x for the rest of the day with the genie.

When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.

She said, “Forty-five.” The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

Now wipe that smile off your face.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.

Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word.  The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”