Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.

So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.

He tries to catch her, but is unable.

This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.

The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.

The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.

This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.

Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.

Still he signs up.

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”

The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command “! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Two women are walking home from the bar when they both feel the need to pee, so they slip into a nearby cemetery.

One of them uses her p@nti3s to wipe, while the other grabs a wreath off a headstone.

The next evening, the husbands meet at the bar.

One looks at the other and says, “I think I need to keep an eye on my wife—she came home without her p@nti3s last night.”

The other husband responds, “Well, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass that said, ‘You were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department.'”

Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”

The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.

The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.

The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.

Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”

The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”

Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for. As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.” Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.

“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.

“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”

“A fish, perhaps?”

“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”

Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”

The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”

Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”

The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…” Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”

“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”

The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”