Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles as passed away.” The distressed woman wailed,” Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, ” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes. turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately snifffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$820?” she cried,”$820 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged,”I’m sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $820.”

Every time i go to weddings,my old aunts would poke me in the belly and cackle “your next”. They stopped when i started doing the same thing to them at funerals

Two brothers, 6 & 8 were discussing whether the words ‘hell’ & ‘ass’ were cuss words.

They both agreed that they were in the Bible and they didn’t believe they were bad words.

Let’s try it out on mom. The 8yr old went in the kitchen, his mom asked: “what would you like for breakfast dear, some waffles or bacon & eggs?”

He said: “What the hell, give me some cheerios”, and she smacked him across the face.

The 6yr old witnessed this and slowly entered the kitchen. His mom in a stern angry voice said: “And what do you want?”

He said: “You can bet your ass I’m not asking for cheerios”.

Teacher: Billy stop making ugly faces at other students

Billy: Why??

Teacher: Well, when I was your age, I was told that if I kept making ugly faces, my face would stay that way.

Billy: Well, I can see you didn’t listen.

pinochio was masturbating all of a sudden poof he got burn.