Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!” The patrolman said, “May I see your license?” Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?” Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!” Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.” Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.
“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine!”

A wife comes home late one night, arriving early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. “Hi, Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.”

Airman Jackson was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Haverty noticed that Airman Jackson was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jackson’s sales pitch. Jackson explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they’re gonna send into battle first?”

A married couple in their 60’s were visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
“I want to travel around the world with my darling husband”, said the wife. And two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appeared in her hand. Husband says, “Sorry, but my wish is to have a wife 30yrs younger than me.” So, the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 years old.