Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically: “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: “Long time since I’ve seen you, man, you look terrible.” The pirate says: “I feel fine.”

The bartender says: “Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you.” “Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the leg, but I’m ok.”

“Well, you didn’t have that hook on your arm either.” The pirate says: “Got in a sword fight and lost my hand.”

The bartender says: “What about the eye patch?” The pirate replies: “Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up one of them shit on my eye.” The bartender says: “How did that make you lose your eye?” The pirate replies: “It was the first day with the hook.”

A man walks into a bar and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The bartender said: “Before you tell that joke look at the end of the bar. Those two ladies down there are a combined 450lbs and they are blonde professional wrestlers. Now look over to the door our bouncer is 6’8″ and is 385lbs and he’s blonde. As for myself, I am a retired marine and I’m blonde. Now are you sure you still want to tell that joke?” The man said: “That’s alright, I don’t wanna have to explain it 4 times.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said, “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said, “Watson, you are an idiot, it means that somebody have stolen our tent.”

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, she answered, “That’s me before the surgery.”