Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets weren’t allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat with his best friend, Al. Al agreed to come over to John’s house and live with his mom for the duration of the cruise. John told Al, “Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him. He’s my prize-winning cat!” And with that, he left. The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, “How are things?”

To which Al responded, “Things are fine.”

“How’s Mom?”

“Mom’s fine.”

“How’s the cat?”

“The cat’s fine.” Satisfied, John hung up. Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.

“How are things?”

“Things are fine.”

“How’s Mom?”

“Mom’s fine.”

“How’s the cat?”

“The cat’s DEAD.”

“WHAT?!?” John was quite distressed. “How could you let it die? It was my prize cat!”

“Well, John, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over.” John was cooling down a bit now, and said, “Well, couldn’t you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said ‘The cat’s on the roof’, then the next day said ‘The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg’, see what I’m saying.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John.”

“Ok… bye.” John hung up. The next day, John phoned Al again.

“How are things?”

“Things are fine.”

“How’s Mom?”

“Umh,” Al said, “Mom’s on the roof.”

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access Google, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom.

“Think of something to ask it.” As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular…

“When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o’ bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans… all for a dollar!!

Then Grandpa said sadly …”You can’t DO that any more…they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look……”

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

“OK!” he said with exasperation, “Follow me.” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

“Do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”