Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”

The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”. “She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”. “Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. “That’s all fine and good,” she said. “But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on ?”

The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple……See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

mom: “wake up son, it’s time for you to go to school.”

son: “but mom, i don’t wanna go to school.”

mom: “give me 2 reasons why you don’t wanna go to school.”

son: “firstly, the students don’t like me.”

son: “secondly the teachers don’t like me.”

son: “give me 2 reasons why i should go to school?”

mom: “firstly, u are 52 years old, secondly, you’re the principal!”

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

OH NO! the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, How many is a brazillion?”

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent.

“Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “What’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” barks the dog.

The talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother.

“This is a job for Mama.”