Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The boyfriend said, “We’re going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I’ve got three tickets for the show.”

“Why do we need three?” asked the girl.

“They’re for your father, mother and kid sister,” he replied.

As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. “What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked me.

“I had him arrested,” I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, “How badly did he play?”

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.

What are the 4 animals every woman should keep around the house?

A jaguar in her garage

A mink in her closet

A tiger in her bed

And a jackass to pay for it all.

Three guys were drinking in a pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow said, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.