Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A Man died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:

1.Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2.How many seconds are in a year?

The Man thought for a few minutes and answered…

1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it’s not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?”
The Man replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc…”

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than………………..Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that…………….. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who…………………..gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………..spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had an embarrassing problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you know, I have extremely smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be revolted by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so disgustingly bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately turns to face him and asks,

“What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve eaten one of my socks!”