Daily Joke: Jokes Library

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.

“No,” she replied.

“Then why did you buy so much bread?”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.

“Breastfed”, she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist.” The doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know”, she said, “I am his Grandma.”

A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.

“I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.

He sipped each “cup of tea” he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his “cup of tea” and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said: “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:

“Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman.

It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”

She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde?

And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”