Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, “What were you doing?”

“Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.”

The judge asks the second gentleman, “And what were you doing?”

“I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”

“Sounds harmless,” says the judge. He turns to the third person, “And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?”

“No, sir. I AM Peanuts!”

A mother and daughter were reading tea leaves in the bottom of their cups during lunch. Wanting to get attention the little brother said, “that’s nothing” as he flung spaghetti on the wall. He told his mother and sister that spaghetti was a much more reliable source for reading the future.

The mother took a close look at the spaghetti as it slid down the wall. She said, “I think you’re right, do you see that noodle? It’s telling me you’ll be grounded for a week.”

A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar. He stood on the corner waiting for the light. He wife calls and asks if he is drunk. The man replies, “Of course not!”

Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”

The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”

The circus was in town and Stanislaus and Oleg were the featured act. While Oleg walked across the high wire without a net, Stanislaus would balance on Oleg’s shoulders, all the while juggling 5 balls at once. A few minutes before they were to go on, Oleg called for the ringmaster. It seems Oleg had become deathly ill by eating some bad sushi and would have to cancel tonight’s performance.

“You’d better tell Stanislaus,” Oleg said. Walking into Stanislaus’ dressing room, the ringmaster got right to the point. “Stanislaus, I have some bad news. You won’t be doing your act tonight.”

“Why not?”

“You don’t have Oleg to stand on!”

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it!”