Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV…

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.  The blonde looked at Jack and said,  “Do you think he’ll jump?” Jack says, “You know what, I bet he will.”  The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”  Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, “You’re on!” 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.”  Jack replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump. 

“The blonde replies, “I did too;  but I didn’t think he’d do it again.” Jack took the money..

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”

 
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

 
The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”

 
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small – what room are they for?”

 
The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

 
The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blond says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one.

“Me too,” said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.

“I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree,” said the first one.

“Me neither. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I just love ‘baskin’ robins.'”

A young woman named Jessie received a parrot as a gift many years ago. Over time the parrot developed an extremely bad attitude.

 
It got to the point that every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude and obnoxious.  Jessie tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s attitude and by then ‘foul language.’

Finally, Jessie was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jessie lost it and shook the parrot. The parrot became uncontrollable and even more rude. Jessie, in desperation, threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

 
Fearing that she’d hurt the parrot, Jessie quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jessie’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

Jessie was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all.

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a damn thing!”