Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Four retired ladies are playing bridge.

One of them looks across at her partner and says, “I know we’ve been playing bridge every week for two years, but I can’t remember your name. Could you please tell me again?”

Her partner looks at her for a long moment and finally replies, “How soon do you need to know?”

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy,

“I think it’s wonderful that, after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”

The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth, he said. “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.  His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.  “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.  She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.

” The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,”Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said,”The third hole from the right.” “Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to heaven.

Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. “I feel that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”

Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.”

“Who is it?”

In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.”