Daily Joke: Jokes Library

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”

“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”

“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. 

Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Have you ever been a victim of a JIB (job interview breakdown)?  These men and women have:

• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”

• “The guy asked me to tell him a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”

• “I got asked about punctuality.  I went on about how it was good so speak clearly and politely, and  it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.”

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me.

I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below and says ” I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy.”

Melania says “Oh, honey why not throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make 10 Americans happy?”

So then Ivanka says “Even better daddy throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 people happy?” 

To which the pilot says “Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?