Daily Joke: Jokes Library

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the ‘Painless’ dentist. However, a local little girl called Veronica disputed his claim.

“He’s a fake!” Veronica told her friends. “He’s not painless at all.  When he stuck his finger in my mouth, I bit him, and he screamed like anyone else!”

Employee: “Sir, what is the secret of your success?”
Manager: “Two words.”

Employee: “And, Sir, what are they?”
Manager: “Right decisions.”

Employee: “And how do you make right decisions?”
Manager: “One word.”

Employee: “And, What is that?”
Manager: “Experience.”

Employee: “And how do you get Experience?”
Manager: “Two words.”

Employee: “And, Sir, what are they?”
Manager: “Wrong decisions.”

A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”

“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.

“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist. “I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, “Okay.”

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot
tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ‘’You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

The shepherd cheers, “That’s correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd.”

The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

The young man laughed and answers, “Yes, why not?”

The shepherd says, “You are an auditor.”

“How did you know?” asks the young man.

“Very simple,” answers the shepherd.

” First, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don’t understand anything about my business… now can I have my DOG back?”

Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”

Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”