Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, ‘Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!’

The old man said, ‘There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.’

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison, ‘You’re 87 years Old!’

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess my age?’

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed…..

‘We were at your birthday party yesterday.’

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, “I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it.”

“You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?” the preacher asked.

“No, the one about adultery did,” the old man said. “As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat.”

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were.

She said ‘Kevin’.

‘Right’, he said, ‘what about that blonde one over there?’

‘Kevin’, she said.

‘Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?’

‘Kevin’, she said.

‘Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?’

‘Kevin’, she said.

‘Are all your boys called Kevin?’ he asked, ‘isn’t that terribly complicated?’

‘Not at all’, she said, ‘it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it’s time for bed!, they all go to bed.’

‘I see. But what if you want only one of them?’

‘No problem.’ she answers. ‘Then I call them by their surnames.’

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”

She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!”

He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”

A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”

“What happened?” The father asks.

“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’ So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’

“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?”

“Not yet.”

“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”

“Why?” asks the father.

“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my pe*is??'”

Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”

The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.”

“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”

Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.

“That’s what I bloody said!”