Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.

“I’ll make you a deal,” said the groom with a smile. “If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?” he asked.

“Yes!” said his adventurous wife.

As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress.

With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

“Go and get help!” he cried.

“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

“Take my shoe and cover yourself,” he said.

Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: “Please help me! My husband’s stuck!”

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: “There’s nothing I can do… he’s in too far.”

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I’d get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I’m in my room and figure, what the hell, I’ll give her a call.

“Hello?” the woman says, ….oh God, she sounded sexy!!

“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring anything you want.”

She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.”

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”

“Well,” said the son, thoughtfully, “you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “I don’t know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!'”

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, father, no one will question you.”

When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked: “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said: “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.

The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body.

He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.

A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.

When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:

“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”