07/06/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10295
(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off)
Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”
Father: *beaming* “No.”
Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”
Father: *still beaming *”Yes.”
(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)
Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”
Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”
Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”
Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert…”
Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”
Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”
Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”
Customer 3: “Hold on…”
(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)
Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”
Father: *still beaming* “No.”
Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”
Father: “Do you guys even work here?”
Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”
(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring)
Father: “You’re lying.”
Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”
(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me)
07/05/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10290
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
07/04/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10287
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.” He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
07/03/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10282
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures condoms.
And these are customer complaints.”
07/02/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10279
The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination. These are genuine answers from 16 year olds…
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on.
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt,pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)