Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver’s seat and stared out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said: “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you. This may very well be the solution,” the woman responded.

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

An alcoholic, a nymphomaniac, and a stoner all die and are going to Heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, Peter completely loses him temper. He says, “I’m SO sick of you sinners just being allowed in just because you went to church every Sunday.

So, here’s what we’re going to do; we’re going to see if you guys deserve to be in Heaven. I’m going to lock you each in your own room with your vice. If you can be in there for a year without touching it, I’ll let you in.

So, he sets the alcoholic up with a room that stretches as far as the eye can see, and it’s all shelves of the finest liquors ever made. Peter sets the nympho up with a room that is full of beautiful, flirty virgins, and there’s even a heart-shaped bed. Lastly, the stoner is set up with a room that has a never-ending supply of the best smelling weeds.

A year goes by and he checks on the alcoholic; the guy is passed out on the floor, ever drop drank. The guy is sent to hell. Checks on the nympho, every girl in there is exhauseted from sex, and there’s semen all over the bed. The guy is sent to hell. Checks on the stoner, and the guy is just sitting in the room, sober as can be, none of the weed has been touched.

Peter says, “Oh my god. Of all three of you guys, you were the one I least expected to be able to succeed. How did you do it?”

Stoner says, “Got a light?”

Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from her school complaining, ‘Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache.’

‘That’s because your stomach is empty,’ Sarah, her mother replied kindly. ‘You’ll feel better when you have something in it.’

She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately.

Later that afternoon Mia’s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia’s mum, she mentioned she’d had a bad headache all day long.

Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, ‘That’s because it’s empty. You’d feel better if you had something in it!’

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I will be home by midnight, I promise.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 totals= 12 Cuckoos MIDNIGHT.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him MIDNIGHT… he didn’t seem angry in the least. Whew, I got away with that one.

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

I asked him why, and he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, uttered some swear words, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and fell.”