Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The preacher asked the Lord to direct his response. He said: “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seemed okay but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.

This went on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman didn’t fall. Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they asked.

“It’s very nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.

The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?”

“Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

The second reason : “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “That’s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your hozban he did.”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”

The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”

(A moment of silence passes…)

“So… how much do you want?”

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.

Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.

Then, he noticed another couple over behind a tree.

There was yet another couple doing the nasty behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.

A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

“This is a brothel. Do you want to get in on the action, honey?” asked the madam.

“Nah. I’m good thanks,” he replied, “but I was just wondering what the heck is going on out here on the lawn.”

“Oh, we’re having a yard sale today,” said the madam.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

”Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO.

“What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d**k.”