Daily Joke: Jokes Library

This is a story about the girl that didn’t know what cursing was. It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sex in the next bedroom over.

She hears the dad say, “oh honey I love your luscious tits” and she hears the mom say, “oh baby I love your slim dick”.

So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, “Hey dad, what are luscious tits?” the dad panics and says, “It’s a fine coat”.

She then walks up to the mom and says, “Hey mom, what’s a slim dick?”. The mom panics and says, “It’s a pair of boots”.

Later on that day, everybody’s getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, “Shit!”.

The daughter then asks,”What does shit mean” and the dad replies, “I’m shaving right now sweety”.

The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey.

The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, “Fuck”.

The daughter then asks, “hey mom, what does f*ck mean” and the mom replies, “I’m cooking the turkey sweety”.

About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door.

The girl answers the door and says, “Hello everyone hang up your luscious tits and drop your slim dicks, my dad is upstairs shitting and my mom’s f*cking the turkey”.

A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He’s never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.

All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it’s taking…

They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack!

“Help me,” he groans to his wife.

The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt.

Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. “I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the wife calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” he asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says his wife. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A son moved away to go to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue. A few months later, his father got a call from his son.

“Dad,” he said, “there’s an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!”

That’s amazing!’ his dad said. ‘How do I get Blue into that program?’

‘Just send him down here with $2,000,’ the son said. ‘I’ll get him into the course.’

So his father sent the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.

‘So, how’s Blue doing, son?’ his father enquired.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm… But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the dogs how to read.’

‘Read?’ exclaimed his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. I’ll get him into the class.’

The money promptly arrived.

But our hero noticed an impending problem. At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.

Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First he gave the dog to a nice family. Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father.

‘Where’s Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy said. ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?”

The father groaned and whispered, ‘I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!’

‘I sure did, dad!’

‘That’s my boy!’

The lad went on to be a successful lawyer.

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.

‘I’ll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, ‘and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.’

‘If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! ‘If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. ‘But, if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. ‘And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher whispered in horror, ‘He’s going to be the next president!’

Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it.

When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.

The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.

He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: “Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

“Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing,” he replies.

The preacher puts one finger in Larry’s ear and places his other hand on top of Larry’s head. He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.

After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry:

“Larry, how is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday.”