Daily Joke: Jokes Library

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I’d ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy’s face, saying “I slept with your mother.”

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy’s face, saying it again. “Hey, I slept with your mother.”

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, “No seriously, I slept with your mother.”

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

“That’s it. We’re going home, Dad. You’re drunk.”

A blonde lived with two blonde room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.

When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.

A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it’s not working”. “You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first.“

When a man first noticed that his pen*s was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.

“Crutches???” the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,” the woman said, “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.

One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.

They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.

When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.

They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.

They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’

The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.

‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’

The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.

‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…

‘POTATOES POTATOES!’

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said Ben, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”