Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A race of aliens visits earth one day.

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks: “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

“You mean JC?”, responds the alien.

“Yeah, we know him! He’s the greatest, isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok”.

Surprised, the pope follows up with: “He visits every year?! It’s been over two millennia and we’re still waiting for his SECOND coming!”

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize.

“Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”

The pope retorts “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”

The alien says “Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates.”

“Why? What did you guys do?”

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

“You’ve got to help me. I’m losing my memory, Doctor,” he sobbed.

“I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that’s gone now. Since my memory began failing, I’ve lost the business – I couldn’t remember my clients’ names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn’t they – some nights I wouldn’t get home until four or five in the morning. I’d forget where I lived… And it’s getting worse. Doctor, it’s getting worse!”

“This is not an unusual form of neurosis,” the psychiatrist said soothingly. “Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?”

“Condition?” The man sat up in his chair. “What condition?”

A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock – it’s 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. “Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”

He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.

She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.

Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

A voice answers, “Yes, please.”

“Where are you?” calls the man.

“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,

“…on your swing set.”

A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:

“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

The grandmother was curious.

“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

The little boy replied:

“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work.

“I have great news for you.

Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said:

“I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”