09/15/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11899
It was breakfast time at the Smiths’ house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: “I bet you don’t remember what today is!”
“Of course I remember!” declared Frank, and hastily left for work.
When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend’s office and shouted: “Mark, you have to help me – I think it’s my wife’s birthday today and I completely forgot about it!”
Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. “That way there is no way she’ll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you’ll have a very happy woman on your hands…”
Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favorite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours.
When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. “First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!”
“Think nothing on it my love, happy-”
“I never thought I’d wear such beautiful clothes to pick my mother up from the airport!”
09/14/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11896
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”
“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anyone else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…”Me!”
09/13/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11892
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be 21 in November.’
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon..
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again…
‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’
09/12/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11888
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
09/11/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11885
You may think that dog are these easy going creatures, with no rules in their happy heads, but you’d be wrong. Dogs have many rules in their lives, designed to delight them as well as, sometimes, frustrate us. Here are some of the simpler ‘rules’ our canine friends seem to have!
Visitors
Quickly figure out which guest is the one most afraid of dogs. Charge across the room while barking as loud as you can and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts weeping and crying, lick his face and gently growl to show your concern, and your teeth.
Barking
You are a dog, and as such, you are expected to bark. So go for it and bark a lot. Your owners will be so very pleased to know you protecting their house. Try to do it late at night while they are sleeping. Nothing says sleep like knowing your dog is out there, barking the bad people away all night long.
Dining Etiquette
Always sit underneath the table at dinner, this goes double when there are guests, so you can beg, and bark, and make the party even better by cleaning up any food that falls to the floor. This is also a great time to get to know some new scents by sniffing all the guests.
Licking
Humans prefer your tongue to be as wet as possible, so try to drink a LOT before licking them on the face. Be nice and get your human one of their shirts to wipe their face on. Suits and dresses make for great towels.
Holes
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
Doors
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
The Art Of Sniffing
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
Housebreaking
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
Couches
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
Playing
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.
Chasing Cats
When chasing cats (and you will), make sure you never.quite.catch.them. It will spoil all the fun!
Going For Walks
The golden rule of walking: When out on a walk with your master or mistress, don’t forget to never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. The cranky neighbor’s lawn is so much greener, after all.
Chewing
Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.