Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. “Congratulations,” says the caller.

“Your phone number has been selected randomly. We’re with KCLA, and we’re having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly, and you win the grand prize.”

“Fantastic!” says the guy.

“It’s a math question,” says the caller. “Feeling confident?”

“I am,” says the guy. “I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school.”

“Great!” says the caller. “Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber concert… What is 2 + 2?”

And the guy says, “Seven.”

Patient: “I can’t sleep at night.”

Doctor: “Lie down and count to two thousand, you’ll fall asleep.”

The next day, the patient came back to the doctor.

The doctor asked if he followed the advice.

Patient: “Yes, but it was very difficult — when I reached one thousand, I started feeling sleepy… then I got up, made coffee, and came back to finish the two thousand.”

Three convicts escape prison and hide in a barn. Each dives into a big empty sack to stay out of sight.

A cop walks in, suspicious. He kicks the first sack.
“Meooow!”
The cop nods, “Just a cat.”

He kicks the second sack.
“Woof! Woof!”
He shrugs, “Just a dog.”

He kicks the third sack.
A panicked voice blurts out:
“P-POTATOES!!”

A man’s daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony check he had to pay his ex-wife.

He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her, “My daughter, I want you to take this check to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn check she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. ”

The girl went to give the check to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond.

When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away: “What did your mother say?”

“She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father …”

A business man got on an elevator in a building.

When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”