Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied… “Vietnam.”

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, “The first one was a girl.”

The mother: “What did you name her?!?”

Brother: “Denise!”

The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?”

Brother: “The second one was a boy.”

The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?”

Brother: “Denephew.”

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description.

She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. “Now do you understand?” he asked.

“I think so,” she said. “That was when mommy came to work for us?”