Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of packages tries to get on a bus. 

She can’t get up the step so she reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries again. 

Still can’t make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit more, still no luck. 

She reaches back drops her skirt zipper a bunch and the guy behind her grabs her, picks her up, carries her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her left breast. 

The woman slaps him, and the guy says, “Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends.” 

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister’s family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister’s pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, “Having children is an act of God!”

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said… “Snow and Rain are also ‘acts of God’, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!”

Man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where the hell have you been?!?!”

“Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So  I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”

She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!”

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, “Father, I had an affair with a woman… almost.”

“What do you mean almost?” questioned the priest.

“Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,” explains the priest. “You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, “I saw that… you didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

“Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it’s the same as putting it in!”

This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. “Where is he?” he shouts. “Where’s the guy who’s been sleeping with you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy.

Finally he’s on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. “Aha!” he thinks, “That’s the guy who’s been sleeping with my wife.” He’s so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.

So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks “What are you doing here?” The guy says “Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died.”

St. Peter says “You don’t belong here; go to Hell.” He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks “What are you doing here?” The guy says “I don’t know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me.”

St. Peter wags his finger and says “I heard about you… you go to Hell too.” He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks “What are you doing here?”

The guy says “I don’t know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business…”