Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.

“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as “Mother of Six” despite her constant objections.

One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that.

Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you weren’t warned. .