08/17/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13487
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where’s the money? “
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, ” He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
08/16/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13482
Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I haven’t put in a time yet.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir, just press the button.”
Me: “OK. What now?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Ok.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? This is a microwave.”
08/15/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13479
A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it’s time for a change.
He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.
After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.
“Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!”
The teacher replies, “It’s no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine.
I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!”
08/14/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13475
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?”she whispers as she steps into the room.”Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee,”Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?”he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do”she replies.
The husband pauses.The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having sex in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.”she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.”Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter,or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.”she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,”I would have gotten out today.”
08/13/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13472
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin.
He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door.
An old Chinese man opens it.
“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”
“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I”ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.
The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions.
However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was.
“This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself.
So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex.
The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest.
There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.”
The man laughed and thought to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?”
He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it.
It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.”
The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration.
As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground.
It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”