Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!”

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!”

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!”

The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”

“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is – flowers!”

“That’s right!” said the boy, “but how did you know?”

“Just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is – a box of candy!”

“That’s right! But how did you know?” asked the girl.

“Just a lucky guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied.

The teacher then said, “I give up, what is it?”

The boy replied, “A puppy!”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me – is our youngest son my child?”

The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”