08/03/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13428
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
08/02/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13423
An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.
They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife’s interest in healthy diets and exercise.
St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. “How much will this cost us?” asked the husband. “Nothing,” St. Peter responded. “This is Heaven- everything is free!”
Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. “This is… stupendous,” the wife asked. “What are the green fees?” Again, St. Peter said “Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of.”
Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat.
“How much-“
“Again, free,” St. Peter responded to the wife. “This is Heaven.”
The husband paused. “Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?”
St. Peter chuckled. “In Heaven, you don’t have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick.”
Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man’s wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier.
“What’s the matter???” the wife asked. “Why aren’t you happy here???”
The man responded, “This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren’t for your fu*king ‘bran muffins’ and ‘paleo chicken’ recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!”
08/01/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13418
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one-day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
07/31/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13415
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news. The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
07/30/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13412
A very proper business lady was on the lot of a Mercedes dealership in her local town.
She strolled through the vehicles until she found a car that caught her eye.
After looking it over for a while she noticed the car was unlocked.
She opened the door, and bent over to touch the soft leather seating.
When she bent over she let out a little gas.
Being the proper businesswoman that she was, she stood up straight, adjusted her suit and looked around to make sure no one heard.
Sure enough a salesman was right behind her.
To change the inevitable conversation she asked, “What is your best price for this model?”
The salesperson without missing a beat said, “Well, lady if you farted just touching it you are going to crap when you hear the price!”