Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Grandpa and his 7 year old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps.

“It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole.

Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars.

“Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid. “I know. This is from your Grandma.”

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well. Only two left.”

Seniors — don’t mess with them, they’ve been around!

This guy walks into a bar and takes two steps in and he realizes it’s a gay bar.

“But what the heck”, he says, “I really want a drink.”

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, “What’s the name of your pen!s?”

The customer says, “Look, I’m not into any of that, all I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your pen!s. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because “It really satisfies.”

The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your pen!s?”

The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.” The thirsty customer asks, “Why Timex?”

The fellow proudly replies, “Cause it takes a licking’ and keeps on ticking!”

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fellow on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, “So, what do you call your pen!s?”

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job 1 then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?”

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his pen!s.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my pen!s is Secret. Now give me my beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?”

The customer says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.”

A mother-in-law stopped by her daughter-in-law’s house, to give her some fruit.

When her daughter-in-law opened the door, she was naked!

“Oh my gosh! Why aren’t you wearing anything?” exclaimed the mother-in-law.

Very surprised, and shocked. “I’m wearing my love suit,” replied the daughter-in-law.

“You are crazy!” yelled the mother-in-law, and with that she left.

A while later, she thought to herself that wearing a love suit wasn’t such a bad idea so, she decided to try it.

In the evening, when her husband opened the door, he exclaimed, “My god! Why are you naked? You are crazy!”

She replied, “I’m wearing my love suit!”

and he said, “Hmmm, it needs ironing!”

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, “Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sitting right over there,” pointing to my seat at the bar, “and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘Hi, Ray,’?”

“Sure.”

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

“Hi, Ray,” he said.

I replied, “Get lost Gates, I’m in a meeting.”