08/23/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13508
Yesterday a friend called and asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent.
I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need.
I told her, let me check my account and l will call you right back.
Before I could double check, her sister calls and says, “Don’t give her any money because she’s lying.”
Her sister told me that she wants to use the $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail so they can be together for her birthday.
I thought about it for a minute, then decided to go ahead & give her the $500.
A few minutes ago, she called me from the local jail, crying about being arrested.
She started screaming, asking, “Why did I give her counterfeit money?!” I replied:
“So you & your man could be together for your birthday”
08/22/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13505
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
08/21/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13502
Jesus starts the game. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water. Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.
Next is Moses’ turn. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. But Moses raises his golf club and the waters of the lake divide. Moses walks between the two walls of water to the ball, hits it, and it gets into the hole.
Finally, the bearded man. He hits the ball as hard as he can, and it also heads straight towards the lake. However, a frog snatches it out of the air with its tongue and swallows it. An eagle dives at the frog and carries it into the air. Meanwhile, a hunter sees the eagle and fires a shot at it. The bullet hits the eagle, and it falls to the ground, right next to the hole. The frog coughs up the golf ball and it rolls into the hole for a perfect hole in one.
Moses grumbles and mutters to Jesus,
“I really hate playing with your dad.”
08/20/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13499
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class.
The boy said, “Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she’s in 4th grade”.
The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately.
The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Teacher: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
Teacher: What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Boy: A seatbelt.
Principal: Aaaah!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
08/19/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13493
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is poor and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. You’ll be at the back of St Peter’s Square and from that distance he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Son. I’ve visited lands far and wide and met many people of all creeds. I’ve waved to millions of people from my balcony.
I’ve personally shook the hand of millions of people, but you must have the worst barber of them all.”