Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes. After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant sexual demands.

The woman went to see a lawyer to assist with the procedure, as well as discuss the terms of the divorce. After making her thoughts known to the divorce attorney, he questioned her saying: “Don’t you love him anymore?”

The wife replied, “Oh, I still love him, but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”

The lawyer thought for a while and suggested to help save his client’s marriage.

He said “Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time you want to make love?”

The woman thought the suggestion was a good idea and decided to give it a try, hopeful that there was a chance to still live happily with the love of her life.

She left the attorney’s office and headed home hurriedly, but immediately she stepped into her house, her husband made his sexual advancements again.

She said, shoving him off in the process, “Not so fast! From now on, it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”

Without further ado, the anxious husband pulled out a dollar bill and handed it to his wife. He said, “Well then, here’s $50.”

The wife received the note and started making her way to the bedroom, but her husband stopped her in earnest, pulling her to him.

“Hold on. That would be five times in the kitchen.”

Three men, one German, one Japanese, and a hillbilly
were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped,
he said: I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear, when he
finished he explained: That was my mobile phone, I have
a microchip in my hand.
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone
he decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
Having returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The hillbilly finally said…
Well would you look at that I’m getting a fax!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asked the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5
months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out
what I’m doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die,
they’ll say,
‘Well, he/she looks good.’
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a
small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.