Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
“I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it when we make love,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. .. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big t*ts.

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it.
While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.
The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.
When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”

A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that  they didn’t produce the desired results.

“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.

“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said,  “Shoving them up my ass?”

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn’t want to eat his broccoli.

Eat your broccoli! – says the mother.

No! – exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

What did you tell him?

I told him that if he didn’t eat his broccoli, his mickey wouldn’t grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

What was that for? – he asks, confused.

FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!