Daily Joke: Jokes Library

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.” The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer..” The druggist says: “Stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m proud to own them.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”.

Dolly is outraged. She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!” “Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.

Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?

And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”

Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”