Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The FBI announced an opening for a professional assassin.

After extensive background checks, interviews, and testing, they narrowed the candidates down to three. Each man passed every stage with top marks. For the final test, an agent brought the first man to a heavy steel door and handed him a gun.

He said, We need to know you’ll follow orders no matter the situation. Inside this room, your wife is seated. Your task is to kill her.

The man replied, You can’t be serious. I could never harm my wife.

The agent dismissed him. Then you’re not suited for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and stepped inside. Five silent minutes passed before he returned, eyes full of tears. I tried, but I can’t do it.

The agent said, You’re not the man we need. Go home.

Finally, the last candidate received the same briefing. He took the gun, went into the room, and immediately a series of shots rang out. Then came shouting, thuds, and the sound of furniture crashing.

After a few minutes, silence. The door opened, and the man walked out, wiping sweat from his forehead. Someone loaded the gun with blanks, he said, out of breath. I had to finish the job the hard way.

A DEA agent stops by a ranch in Texas and strikes up a conversation with an old rancher. From the moment he arrives, his attitude is terrible—clearly irritated that he has to trek through the mud in his polished boots. He tells the rancher, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegal drugs.”

The rancher replies, “Go ahead, search all you like—just stay out of that field over there.”

The DEA agent, now visibly offended, snaps back, “Sir, I represent the Federal Government.” He pulls a badge from his back pocket and holds it inches from the rancher’s face.

“See this badge? This badge means I can go anywhere I want, on any property, without questions or permission. Is that clear? Do you understand?” he bellows.

The rancher quietly nods, apologizes, and returns to his work.

A little while later, the rancher hears frantic screaming. He looks up to see the DEA agent sprinting across the ranch, being chased by the rancher’s massive Santa Gertrudis bull. The bull is closing in fast with every stride.

The rancher drops his tools, rushes to the fence, and shouts:

“Your badge! Show him your BADGE!”

After two decades of marriage, a wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. She figures there’s no harm since she’ll be right there with him.

As they walk in, the doorman greets them with, “Hey, Dave! How’re you doing?”
His wife frowns and asks whether he’s been to the club before.
“Of course not,” Dave replies. “He’s just a guy from my bowling team.”

Once they sit down, a waitress approaches and asks Dave if he wants “the usual,” then sets a glass of red wine in front of him.
His wife stiffens. “And how does she know what you drink?”
Dave quickly answers, “She bowls in the Ladies League. Our teams share lanes.”

Moments later, a stripper walks over, wraps her arms around Dave, and says, “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
That’s the last straw. His wife snatches up her purse and storms outside.

Dave runs after her and catches her as she’s getting into a cab. He hops in beside her before she can shut the door.

He frantically tries to explain that the dancer must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife refuses to listen. She’s shouting every insult she can think of.

Finally, the cab driver glances back and says, “Rough night, huh, Dave? Looks like you picked up a real witch this time.”

A couple spends a pleasant Sunday afternoon at an agricultural show in the countryside, where they watch bulls being auctioned for stud.

The auctioneer presents the first bull: “This impressive animal bred 60 times last year.”

The wife elbows her husband and says, “Hear that? That’s five times a month.”

Next, the second bull is introduced: “This remarkable bull managed 120 breedings last year.”

The wife nudges her husband again. “That’s ten times a month. Anything you’d like to say about that?”

Her husband is starting to get irritated. Then the auctioneer brings out the third bull: “And this exceptional bull bred 360 times last year!”

The wife swats her husband’s arm. “That’s once a day—every day of the year! What do you think about that?”

Fed up, the husband snaps back, “Why don’t you ask the auctioneer if it was with the same cow each time?”

One night, a man walking home spotted a drunk on his hands and knees under a streetlight, searching for something.

He asked what the drunk was looking for, and the drunk explained that he had tripped and his Rolex had slipped off his wrist.

Being helpful, the man got down beside him and started searching as well. After ten minutes with no luck, he asked the drunk where he had actually tripped.

“About half a block up the street,” the drunk replied.

“Then why are we looking here if you lost it up there?” the man asked.

The drunk answered, “Because the light is much better here.”