07/13/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17330
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.
The doctor pronounces the dog dead.
The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat.
The cat sniffs the body and meows.
The vet says,
“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador.
The lab sniffs the body and barks.
The vet says,
“I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too.”
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers,
“$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies,
“I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.”
07/12/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17327
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said,
“Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story:
People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
07/11/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17325
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read:
“Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad,
“How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied,
“He’s in the Secret Service.”
07/10/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17322
A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘
Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:
1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.
2.)must be good at computers.
3.)must be bilingual
After weeks of having no applicants, a dog walked into the office and much to the manager’s perplexity pointed to the sign.
The manager said
“ I like your interest but as much as I need someone to take this position, I’m afraid you’re just not qualified enough for the job. You need to be able to type at least eighty words per minute and I don’t see how that’s possible with your chubby paws”.
The dog, without a word, hopped onto a stool near the typewriter and miraculously typed just over a hundred words within the minute.
The manager was both surprised and confused but he proceeded to say
“ I’m sorry, I still can’t give you the job because you need to be good at computers”
At this, the dog grabbed a keyboard and proceeded to hack into and shut down every security camera in the building.
The manager was dumbfounded but managed to say:
” I’m sorry, but the final requirement is that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him in the eye for a good minute and confidently said
“Meow!”
07/09/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17318
“I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: “Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!’?”
With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered from what could have been a very bad situation.
His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!”
she exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”