Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young woman fell on hard times and began working as a prostitute. For obvious reasons, she kept this hidden from her family. One day, the police raided the brothel and arrested several of the women, including her.

They were told to stand in a line along the sidewalk. To her horror, her elderly grandmother happened to be walking past the scene. The young woman panicked.

Her grandmother spotted her and asked kindly, “What are you lining up for, dear?”

Not wanting to reveal the truth, the young woman quickly replied that people were giving away free oranges and she was waiting to get some.

“Oh, how nice,” her grandmother said. “I’ll have one too,” and she joined the back of the line.

As a police officer moved down the queue questioning each woman, he eventually reached the grandmother and looked puzzled.

“But you’re so old,” he said. “How do you manage?”

The grandmother smiled and replied, “Oh, it’s quite simple, son. I just take out my dentures and open wide.”

Men have long cracked jokes about women—some even land well.
But now, it’s the ladies’ turn to fire back…

Why do men get smarter during lovemaking?
Because they’re plugged into a genius.

Why don’t women blink during lovemaking?
They simply don’t have time.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

Why did God give men bigger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

And why did God create men before women?
Because you always need a rough draft before the final masterpiece.

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went in for a routine physical.

A few days later, his doctor spotted him strolling down the street with a stunning young woman on his arm.

At his next visit, the doctor said, “You seem to be doing remarkably well.”

Morris smiled and replied, “I just followed your advice, Doc — get a hot mama and be cheerful.”

The doctor shook his head and said, “That’s not what I said. I told you, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur — be careful.’”

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand. He grabbed his chest and collapsed, dead right there at the table.

Out of respect for their fallen friend, the other five stood up and kept playing.

After a moment, Finkelstein looked around and said, “So… who’s going to tell his wife?”

They cut the deck. Goldberg drew the two of clubs and got stuck with the job. The others warned him to be tactful, gentle—don’t make a bad situation worse.

“Gentle?” Goldberg scoffed. “I’m the most discreet man you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg went to Meyerwitz’s apartment and knocked. His wife called through the door, asking what he wanted.

Goldberg said, “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is too afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” she shouted.

“Not a problem,” Goldberg replied. “I’ll pass along the message.”

A woman in a supermarket notices a grandfather struggling with his wildly misbehaving three-year-old grandson.

The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits anything he can grab—while Grandpa patiently navigates the aisles, speaking in a calm, steady voice:

“Easy, William. We’ll be done soon… easy, boy.”

Another meltdown follows. Grandpa gently says,

“It’s alright, William. Just a few more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there.”

By the checkout, the child is flinging items out of the trolley. Without losing his cool, Grandpa repeats,

“William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. Five more minutes and we’re home. Stay calm, William.”

Impressed, the woman approaches him outside as he loads the groceries and the child into the car.

“I hope you don’t mind me saying,” she says, “but you were incredible in there. You stayed calm the whole time. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

The old man smiles and replies,

“Thank you—but I’m William. The little terror’s name is Kevin.”