Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Fred’s convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

“I suppose,” said his pretty but reluctant date, “you’re going to pull the old ‘out of gas’ routine.”

“No,” said Fred, “I’m going to pull the ‘here after’ routine.”

“The ‘here after’ routine… what’s that?”, she wanted to know.

“If you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone.”

A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?”
Only one hand shot up. “Ok, answer, Joan,” said the teacher.
“‘unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle.”

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.