Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.

He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”

“I dunno,” said the second. “Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.

“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mine shaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.

“Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”

“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”

A man showing off his new flat to friends late at night was asked by one of them, “Why the big brass gong in the corner?”

“That’s my talking clock,” he replied, “I’ll show you how it works.” With that, he gave the gong an almighty whack with a golf club. Instantly, a voice from the next flat screamed, “Hey, shut up! It’s nearly midnight!”

One day in a tavern, a sailor and a pirate were comparing stories of their adventures. The pirate had a peg leg, one hook for a hand and an eye patch. The sailor asked about his peg leg. “I lost it in a shark attack,” the pirate said.

“What happened to your hand?”
“That I lost in a sword fight,” the pirate answered. And when he was asked about his patch, he explained a seagull dropping fell into his eye.

Astonished, the sailor said, “You mean to say that you lost your eye because of a seagull dropping?”

“Well,” the pirate replied, “it happened the first day I had the hook.”