Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,

“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,

“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.”

“Thanks,” he said, and took a long pull from the container. “Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back the whiskey.

“Well, I’d rather not,” said the first. “At least not until after the police have been here.”