Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

“Satan!” beckoned God. “You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!”

“Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil.

“I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God.

“Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.

“Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state.

“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.

“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready…”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”

“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”

“But it’s just not…”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor ‘what did you do on Earth?’

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, ‘you may go in.’

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her ‘you may go in.’

St. Peter asked the third man, ‘what did you do?’ The man hung his head and replied, ‘I ran a large HMO.’ To which St. Peter replied, ‘you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.’

A blonde began a job as a primary school counselor, and she was most eager to help. One day during break time she noticed this boy standing all by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached him and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was.

A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was still in the same spot and still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, “Would you like me to be your friend?”

The boy hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all by yourself?”

“Because,” the little boy said, “I’m goalie!”

A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day. After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.

The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills. The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water. The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”