Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?”he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,”said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”

John is appearing on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” with Regis Philbin.

Regis, “John, you’re up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

John, “Yes.”

Regis, “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A)robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon.”

John, “I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Mary.”

Mary answers the phone: “Hello?”

Regis, “Hello Mary, it’s Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend John here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be John’s…”

John, “Mary, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon.”

Mary, “Oh, John. That’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”

John: “Are you sure?”

Mary, “I’m sure.”

Regis, ” You heard Mary. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?”

John, “I want to play; I’ll go with C) cuckoo.”

Regis, “Is that your final answer?”

John, “Yes.”

Regis “Are you confident?”

John “Yes; I think Mary’s pretty smart.”

Regis, “You said C) cuckoo, and you’re right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!”

To celebrate, John flies Mary to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they’re celebrating, John looks at Mary and asks her, “Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

“That’s easy, everybody knows they live in clocks.”

Three ghosts were in a  bar getting wasted, early in the morniing they step out of the bar into a tornado. Talk about three sheets to the wind.