Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”

The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”

…I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

…my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”

…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.

…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

…the receptionist began saying “Who ???” to anyone calling on me.

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

“If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

“You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?”

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. “You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog.”

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”