Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Dave went to his local lotto center to check his ticket. When the clerk checked his ticket Dave was told that he had won 5 million dollars. Dave went right home.

When he saw his wife he said, I just won the lottery and I am going now to collect my winnings. I want you to be packed before I get back.

His wife very excitedly asked, “What should I pack, warm or cold weather clothes?

Dave looked at her and said “I don’t care as long as your are gone when I get home.”

Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat*… he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, “Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off….”

“Not so fast”, says she. “How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?”

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said “He looks like this” as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

“Oh no, you *horrible* man”, she replied. “I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?”

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed “Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!”

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.

“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.

“You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”

1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.

2. Came dressed in only a towel…again.

3. Ran out of paper clips.

4. I’ve decided to telecommute.

5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.

6. It’s a long drive home to Texas.

7. One-day sale at Macy’s.

8. My brain is melting!

9. I think they found me out…

10. Accidently erased the whole week’s work off the computer disk.