Daily Joke: Jokes Library

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Crap!’, cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”

Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

I replied, “No, I always give 110%.”

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

The “car way” of telling how far the relationship is:

Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her.

Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.

Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.

Married: The man gets in to the driver’s seat, unlocks the doors, and says “Aren’t you getting in?”

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”

“Oh, no, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

“Feels great,” he replied; “but I still think my thumb’s broken!”