Daily Joke: Jokes Library

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, “That’s a nice round figure.”

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, “You’re no bean pole yourself.”

The conductor of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra was having an issue with the percussion section. During rehearsals, it seems they were having a major problem keeping the proper beat, and the conductor was getting madder by the moment.

“Uh oh,” one of the drummers remarked. “I think he’s ready to blow.”

“You’re right,” said the cymbal player. “It looks like we’re in for a real tempo tantrum!”

Cousin It was getting tired of being just the hired hand around the Addams family household. The family had moved to the feudal nation of Armenia and It decided to run for feudal lord. While not quite a democracy, elections were still the path to choosing the next leader who would exercise power and authority over the nation.

With Gomez, Morticia and Festus fiercely campaigning for their beloved candidate, election day arrived. The precincts opened, ballots were cast, and the votes were counted. The polls had showed a close contest between the four candidates running, but when the final tally was announced, Cousin It had received the most votes.

With all the Addams family and his supporters cheering him on, Cousin It was beside himself as he approached the podium.

“I won! I won!” It screamed. “Bring me the wine. I’m serving!”

With glass raised, Gomez shouted, “When IT reigns, IT pours!”

A major speaker for the annual auto dealers convention was visiting the rest room just before he was to speak to the 10,000 members. He was asked, “Are you our special speaker?”

“Yes, I sure am and I am excited to be here,” he replied.

“Are you nervous?”

“No, I’m never nervous before I give a big speech.”

“If you are not nervous, then what are you doing in the ladies room?”

His team was 20 points behind and the coach was desperate, so he looked down the bench to his 330 pound tackle that was not his brightest player.

The coach called him over and asked him, “If I put you in, can you play ruthless?”

“I sure can coach! Which one is ruthless?”