Daily Joke: Jokes Library

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Daniel.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.

Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting.

Suddenly he asked, “What is the biggest number in the world?”

As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, “Dad, what number comes just before infinity?”

One day Dan asks Bob, “So Bob what did you get for Christmas?”

Then Bob says to Dan, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”

Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!!!”

Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”

This Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox, nothing more. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, one Xbox.

You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together.

Which was fine… because I bought her an Xbox.

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Opperknockity. He arrived two days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left.

Shortly after that, Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about it and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem.

However, the tuner replied, “I’m sorry ma’am, but Opperknockity only tunes once!”