Daily Joke: Jokes Library

(Me) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own ‘Command Center’!

(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!

(Me) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!

(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

My wife claims I’m a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.

I told her she’s way off base!

My family was playing a trivia board game one night. When it was my brother-in-law’s turn, he rolled the dice and landed on “Science & Nature.”

His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

He thought for a moment and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he couldn’t talk because he was working on “aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel while under a dangerously constrained environment.”

I was impressed. Until the following day when I learned that meant he was “washing dishes with hot water under his upset wife’s supervision.”